Let me windbag you a little bit, because I can’t help myself…There’s this novel I put down a couple of days ago. One of the fascinating things about it other than a freaking awesome storyline is that it had a risqué title. Nothing scandalous, although I guess it depends with the person who saw the cover and thought me to be some sort of a nut or maybe thought, “that’s some dope chick right there.” Cue in some hearty laughter
You know those eerie looks you get in a matatu, park or wherever you decide to just cool off with a good book and the person sitting next to you thinks you are reading some motivational book. Somehow you can sense how proud they are of you…only when they glance at what you are reading, you can see their face fall because how on earth are you not reading a motivational book by TD Jakes or that Robbins guy who makes people walk on hot coal or is it charcoal…haha!
What was the title you ask, “Black Ass,” by A. Igoni Barrett. Let’s assume you decide to judge the book by its cover. A lot of things running through your mind right now. What on earth are you on young lady? Have you developed some uncanny fetish which you need to tell us about? Well, well… this wasn’t supposed to be a book review but what the heck. The gist of it all is about this Black Nigerian dude who goes to bed black only to wake up the next day White. Yeah, I know…sidesplitting narrative. (Btw, I am planning on selling or giving away some of my novel collections, if you are interested, hit me up... maybe I will list them here soon)
Now that I have bored you immensely, enough about books with questionable titles, let me move on to something more interesting. Whiskey. I don’t know much about single malts and 15 year old aged drinks. You know how Whiskey snobs talk about their drinks with so much intensity you would think they are talking about what’s going on in Syria and what they can do to help? I am not trying to be a “hater” but goddamn!
Gosh-darn, it’s just a drink….but then again I am thinking about how i loooove “my favourite glass of wine” and… nah….I am not even that obsessed and I won’t start telling you about which province in France or South Africa it comes from or how old it’s. If it tastes good, you take it and you shut up….Hahaha…I have a feeling I am brewing up a war right now…so, let me put a lid on it.
Why the hell am I writing about Whiskey though? Chill out…I am getting to it. It’s Sunday, say around ten-ish. You know you should just lay low, make a green smoothie and watch the Kardashians. You hate yourself for watching the silly show so you start flipping through the channels for something more “real”. An hour later and you are still watching “Keeping up with you know who’s.”
Mum calls and says it’s been a while since she saw your face. But it’s only been two weeks since you saw her last, my face is still “oval-ish” mum. “Call dad,” she says before hanging up. You feel bad for being a lousy daughter… thanks for the guilt trip mum.
The phone rings before calling dad. It’s Nelson (a friend of mine who thinks he is my mentor but he is really not…… sorry dude)
“I’ve got a person whom you need to interview on your blog,” (btw, did I use that ‘whom’ right?)
Ooh, love the idea. The person I am to interview is a young lady (29) who works for Nestle Kenya. He tells me how she is really dope and has a cool story about the things I like to write about
“The thing is, you have to meet her today over a few drinks and some lunch.”
There goes your Sunday…but anything for a good story…right? You arrive ecstatic (somewhere in Karen). Your Uber guy is livid though. You were supposed to pay with Cash but ‘somehow’ you are out of hard dough at the moment. “I will use M-Pesa,” you say softly. He gives you a mean look, shakes his head in that “I can’t believe this crap,” sort of way. You tell him you will send + withdrawal charges and suddenly he is all game, smiling and shit…sigh…life.
Here comes the Whiskey part… After exchanging niceties with Anne (Nestle lady) and few of Nelson’s friends, you decide to take a drink to get the edge off. Seems like a really bad idea but it’ just one drink. You decide to settle on two swigs and that’s it…maybe you should eat something first. Yeah, that’s more like the sensible Tabitha.
Sensible Tabitha eats some food first and hangs out with all these cool peeps who want to know how much money I make through my blog (haha!) Nelson laughs, I laugh too. I know why we are both laughing.
“Must be fun being a writer,” says some heavy set dude whose name I can’t quite remember.
I don’t say anything. I don’t know why. I smile and take a swig of a drink which was handed to me a couple of minutes ago (maybe my 3rd) Time to stop now and get on with the interview…sensible Tabitha is still in there.
“Oh yeah, the interview,” Anne smiles and I can tell an interview is the last thing on her mind. It’s a hot Sunday afternoon, we’ve had some “few” drinks in the last couple of hours and truthfully, I am not as ecstatic as I was when I came in. I was younger then.
So, yeah folks, I came back without a story. I figure if I worked for a magazine or newspaper and came back with “no story” the editor would be quite irate. Maybe I should just stick with dear good old wine next time.
PS: Anne still thinks I am a serious writer (LOL) and is willing to give the interview another shot. Fingers crossed.