“I Want a Girl That Can Cook”


By Tabitha Makumi,
Now, before you get your hopes up, this is not some ritzy job advert for a well - heeled chef who knows the difference between cinnamon and cardamom. Or one who knows what blazing the steak is all about. How do I know what the devil that is? Simple… I spend too much of my time watching Food Network and watching Gordon Ramsay on Top Chef or is it MasterChef?… I think it’s the latter … Whatever happened to Top Chef anyway?

So, yes… a girl that can cook…. "I want a girl that knows her way around the kitchen” or “There’s as nothing as sexy as a girl that knows her way around the kitchen…” Pretty sure you’ve heard of these phrases before. So, you bit your tongue so hard you could taste the acrid taste in your mouth. You didn’t want to raise your opinion on this because you recently read somewhere that a wise man … make that a woman… knows when to shut up … and it being a new year and all, you are trying to implement some new rules on yourself dammit.

Or you just sat there searching for the right words to counter that statement. Nothing sounded “smart enough” in your head. So, you just “caught feelings”.  Or maybe you have balls of steel and there’s no way on earth are you going to let such statements slide. Not on your watch, no way Jose! You raised hell and started with words such “Listen up young man...”

Or you are the conceited kind. You like it when men say they like ladies who know their ish in the kitchen. But you’ve been single for a while now, scratch that, you’ve been single for a very very long time now... but that’s beside the point. (Haha!) Deep, deep, deep down…way deep down where you harbor your dreams and mindless fantasies, you believe you should have your own syndicated cooking show… what’s that name again…you are a foodie… You’ve even come up with catchy names for your imagined shows. “Cooking with Atieno” or “Let’s Cook with Chelimo” or better yet…” It’s our Time to Eat with Wanjiku” … alright, alright…. the names are nothing to write home about but you get the drift.

In this case, you’ve heard of how you can start your own foodie blog or a YouTube channel. You believe you are cut out for better and bigger things in life than such peasant ambitions and you probably scoff at people who suggest these humdrum ideas. Thing is, the hubris hating gods would never let you have it and if they did and took a chance on you, the show would never see a second season… poor ratings…lack of sponsors…no money in cooking show… etc. etc.

Or you are the kind that can’t boil an egg right … This is the type that just happens to be the top chef on an episode of “Kitchen Nightmares” (I told you I watch a lot of Gordon Ramsay) When you see those ghastly trending food images on Twitter, for the life of you, you can’t tell what people are raving about. “Mathogothanio” and “Tumbukiza” they call them but to you, they are delicacies you enjoy every other night watching an episode or two of Narcos.

This type of lady doesn’t mind the “I want a lady that can cook…” mantra. In fact, she laughs at it. A genuine laughter. Not the kind of laughter “I deserve a cooking show” lady shares when you tell her she can’t cook to save her soul or critic some of her recipes. Now, when this lady laughs…ooh…in her mind he is plotting your death in ways that would make CSI creators jealous.

Finally, there’s my favourite kind. The kind that happens to be a good cook by accident. Happy accidents. They are even shocked when you compliment their recipes. This kind does not care much for food… The “I want my own cooking show lady” gets a tad peeved and can’t understand why such gifts were not bestowed on her.

And that my children is how the cookie crumbles. Nothing wrong with wanting a “lady that can cook” … She can be the worst partner… a nightmare dressed like a day dream…but if she can put up a dish of butternut squash ravioli with fried sage leaves and sun-dried tomatoes every now and then… you are fine and dandy… right?

What am I getting at… study the crowd before unleashing the, “I want a girl that knows her way around the kitchen” line or you might just become dinner.