How Did ‘We’ Get Here?

By Tabitha Makumi,

Is it just me or do fries, ice cream, choma and everything that makes doctors cringe look extremely scrumptious when you are dieting or pretending to be on some fake ass work out routine?

Personally I don’t know how I got 'here'. I lie. We all know how we get here. Where is “here” you ask? Well, ‘here’ is when your favourite pair of jeans does not fit anymore and you have to dance arougnd when zipping them up. Here is when that sweet top you bought one night along Tom Mboya street from a hawker who kept telling you “shop ni ya muda madam” doesn’t cling to your once upon a time dashboard stomach but only accentuates your not so appealing tummy.

Heck, ‘here’ is when you confidently tell the same hawker your waist is 28, only he doesn’t agree with the hogwash you are trying to feed him. So he gives you one of those up and down looks, shakes
his head and says “madam aai, maybe 34 or 38” and you get mad and move along because,  “how dare he!”

There are days when you are cool with being “here”. Fuck the weight watchers. It’s just food, it doesn’t define us. So, who cares if you decide to have 2 slices of pizza for breakfast? So what if that fake Marc Jacobs pair of jeans doesn’t fit you anymore or the buttons to your favourite shirts keep popping? Meeeh, haters gonna hate and you gonna eat!

But then there are days it just sucks to be you. “Tabitha, the good thing about you is that you are tall but you can’t go past this certain weight,” you recall the doctor saying. So you buy a skipping rope and make your downstairs neighbours wonder what in God’s name you are hammering at 6.30 ish. You swear by the good old book that you will set an hour in the morning for this kind of shit. You know, press ups, push ups, stretching,  blah, blah, blah.

So, no more passing by Stanford (or is it Sanford), Altona and all those joints which have led your “American Figure” astray. You google about healthy eating and decide to buy everything brown and include greens in your diet.

Salt and soda is no good, you find out, but a lot of water is good. But you also read that you can get water poisoning from drinking a lot of it. You get confused but vow to stay true to this dream that you once had only to let it slip through your fingers.

Talking of fingers, through all this madness, they are the only features that have managed to stay long and lean. Lucky bastards.

And no, you are not motivated by improving your are motivated by Watching E! and Fashion TV and instead of being mad at all those skinny bitches (Do people still say that?) strutting their dashboard stomachs, you set a goal that ”If in two weeks time your stomach doesn’t resemble that of Kendall Jenner, to hell with the perfect figure façade.”